It’s very hard to be insecure. Worrying about every word, every look, every gesture, every nuance. It gets tiring and emotionally overwhelming.
I’ve had many relationships, both female and male, that caused me to feel insecure. The situation seemed unsteady, or perhaps I didn’t fully understand their position. My unease usually led to more problems. People tend to like confidence in other people. They don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for those of us who are worried all of the time, or who assume the worst. The irony is, I dislike that quality. I appreciate optimism and confidence in others. Sometimes it just seems hard to practice what I preach.
Words can move people, can motivate people, can break people…but they can’t do anything without the power we give them. I can write all day long, but if I’ve no ink in my pen, if I’ve no keys on my keyboard, it doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sometimes we get caught up in words that mean nothing. They sound good, sometimes great, but in retrospect we often realize that there was no weight there, no substance to the sound. How many times have you said something you didn’t mean? We do it all of the time. But I’m beginning to see that the best way to be is to have conviction behind all of your words. Otherwise, why even say them?
I have always been a person who thirsts for kindness and shows of affection. You would think I’d never been held as a child. (I was.) I don’t understand where it comes from, I just know that it has caused me a lot of problems over the years. People who have selfish motives can utter the sweetest phrase and I am swept away. I believe them. Why? I guess because I want to. I want to believe that all of the kind things said are intended and sincere. The bad you can keep, but the good is something I cling to. Sometimes it bothers me. It makes me feel very needy. Not an attractive quality.
I know a man whose wife adores him. I mean the woman literally lives and breathes for him. People often say things like that when trying to be dramatic, but in her case it’s the truth. He has done things for her that no one else ever cared to, and he has helped her become a stronger, healthier, more vibrant person. This is the kind of man you usually read about…you rarely meet him. Despite his obvious love, she has quite often found herself feeling emotionally vulnerable and needy when it comes to compliments, shows of affection, of kindness. Her husband leads a very busy life and quite often has a lot on his mind. In those moments, when life is hectic and his mind is heavy, she worries that he doesn’t see her as he once did. That his passion for her has worn away. It’s not an easy subject to discuss, so she has sometimes behaved in ways that are contrary to her better nature. The thing is, I know him better than she does. He loves her completely and fully. He does everything in his power to be everything he can be for her. Sometimes it’s not easy for him. He has his own burdens to bear, in great part for her. I wish I could explain to her that if she just accepts on faith that someday soon he will feel like himself again, he will feel even better about things because of her understanding. Her uncertainty is unfounded.
Who knows what makes us feel the way we do sometimes…emotions are strange things. They can bring out unattractive qualities, selfish qualities. They can bring out beauty and love and compassion. I have to work on that myself. I can’t ask anyone to do it for me. I have to believe in the good I am shown, and know that great things are unfolding for my family and I.
