My mind is rarely at rest. Thoughts leap from one branch to another, never feeling quite secure with their new position. Ideas scatter…a sort of psychological dissonance. In medical circles, this type of behavior is called Attention Deficit Disorder. This is an unfortunate label now stamped on anyone who is lazy, disorganized or free spirited.
Let’s face it – anyone can be lazy. Anyone can be disorganized. But free spirited? Now those people are special. I’m proud to say I’m one of them. I don’t have strict guidelines or structure. I do what feels comfortable, what feels good. This doesn’t suggest that what I do is always what’s best, but then again, that’s relative.
What is the purpose of your day? Your interactions? Your communications? Each second we are propelled forward, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Even on those days when the clock seems stuck in some arbitrary position, the second hand bouncing back and forth. People spend a lot of time fretting over what they’ve done and why they did it. In one respect that can be a good thing. Avoid your past mistakes by not repeating the action(s) that brought you there. But that journey is often arduous and very unforgiving. You see things, realize things you do not want to realize.
I understand more and more, every day, that I am not like those around me. I don’t process information the way they do. I don’t analyze things like they do. I don’t recognize details like they do. Bold, abstract ideas or assertations breeze past me. Logic – what’s that? Logic, for me, is like a mathematical equation. Sure, there is an answer (sometimes more than one) but 1) I have no clue how to reach it and 2) no interest in doing so. If a child breaks a tea cup that has been in the family for generations, you could try to explain how emotionally upsetting it is to lose something so valuable. The child can’t comprehend this. The child sees an object, either intentionally or accidentally drops it, it breaks. End of story. Your anger, your sadness, your feelings associated – they are yours. Not theirs. We cannot, regardless of how hard we try, make someone else feel what we feel. And if we can’t, how can we therefore argue or get angry when they don’t fully realize those feelings?
If I said that it’s hurtful to me when people wear the color green, you would think that a very odd statement. You would probably still wear green (accidentally of course) around me, because it seems pretty ridiculous to be upset over something so…unimportant. You could try to empathize, and maybe on occasion you would choose another color to wear. But at the end of the day, it would still seem illogical. Now – if I told you I don’t like green because as a child I had a bad experience with a man who wore green, you would probably be more sympathetic. “Aha! Now this is making some sense!” And that’s the key: NOW that it makes sense to YOU, you’re willing to concede. The situation has not changed at all for me. Nothing has become more clear or realized in my mind. But because you now have more information, you are essentially allowing me the opportunity to experience my feelings.
We might not have all the information. We may never know the who, what, where or why. I don’t think it’s necessary and to be frank, I think it’s irrelevant. It doesn’t matter why you feel the way you do. What counts is that you do. What counts is that your life, your experience, is the only one you will ever fully comprehend. It is not my job to understand, nor is it yours to explain it. Now I’m a sucker for details. I always want to know what makes people tick. “Why don’t you like cauliflower? That doesn’t make sense?” Little, trivial things like that…they’re delightful curiosities for me. But when it comes to feelings and motivations, we feel the way we feel. Maybe it’s hardwired into our psyche. Maybe we’re products of our environment. Maybe we just feel that way on a whim. Who cares?
I enjoy the details. I enjoy the everyday subtleties. The sound of the Goodyear blimp as it approaches. Why does that make me smile? It does. I’ve never been in a blimp. Never seen one up close. Don’t have any memories associated with blimps, and I’m too young to remember the Hindenburg. So what is it? Who knows? Life is about the experience. The moment. If it brings you joy, if it offers peace, it’s a good thing.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, German philosopher and cultural figure once said, “What is important in life is life, and not the result of life.” Don’t analyze. Don’t overwhelm yourself with questions. In each moment, do what is best for you, and pray for a successful outcome. Hope for the best.
